I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
