She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
