Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
