trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
