Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize