sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
