ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
