I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
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Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
40s are totally the cure
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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