She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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