My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
