The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize
