So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
