I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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