There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
