she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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