Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
