If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
