My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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