Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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