the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
What did we do last night that was yellow?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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