I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
