my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
