he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
