You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
