dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
