I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
