I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
