my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
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Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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