She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
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As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize