Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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