Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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