Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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