"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
