Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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