The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
