You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
