Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
