the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
