I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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