Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
