there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize