My room smells like vodka and shame
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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