just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
