i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
People in love make me want to vomit
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
