U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
