every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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