She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
