I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
