Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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