I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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