What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
