She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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