i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
