life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
