Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
