Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The ass gains better be worth it
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
