We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
