Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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