I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
